Do You Remember?
A couple of nights ago, my sister and I were texting. She asked me if I remembered the terrible storm that took place during my first wedding and the lightning that had struck the tree right outside. My first response was “that should have been a sign.” Then, I answered with my real truth. I told her that I did in fact NOT remember. I went on to explain that I don’t remember a lot of things. At times, I feel like I have amnesia. In so many ways, my life feels like a big blur.
I went on to say, “I think during stressful times I disassociate from my body and do the things, but it is like I am outside of my body watching it happen instead of feeling it if that makes sense.” Fortunately, it made sense to her, and I did not have to explain myself further. I think that is the beauty of having a sister! She gets me.
I feel as if I have lived a million lives inside of my one but wasn’t truly present for any of them until now. I have employed many coping mechanisms not to feel the bad things. The trouble with this is that when you numb yourself you don’t just block out the pain from your life but also the joy. So, I have missed a lot of things going through life as a shell of me.
I have even looked at pictures of myself from years ago and don’t even remember being me. How sad is that? I see them and it is as if I am looking at another person because I was not living my own truth.If someone showed me a movie of my life, I would not recognize most of it as being my own. Where I should feel emotion looking at a scene from my life actually captured in a photo, I feel nothing. I think that is what people are trying to verbalize when they say they feel uncomfortable in their own skin. I was too busy doing what was expected. I was so busy trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do that I never really considered what I wanted to do. The rare moment that I did stop to consider such nonsense, I would quickly discount my own hopes and dreams and think “maybe in another life.” The problem with that is - we only get one. If we are living our life for everyone else, who is living ours?
First, I want to say that I have come to believe and accept that my parents did the very best that they could with the tools that they had at the time. However, my mom imposed a lot of her own fears onto me. She also tried to protect me. Whenever I would express a desire to try something, she often would tell me all the reasons that I couldn’t or shouldn’t. For example, I wanted to go into the military at one time, and she told me that it was impossible because I have asthma and cannot run. A neighbor had a hot air balloon tethered and was taking neighborhood kids up. I wanted to go up so badly, but my mother was too scared. That desire never left me. If I did not want to do something (gym class) my mother would validate my excuses rather than forcing or challenging me to level up. No disrespect to my mother, I believe that she thought she was protecting me. As a result, I feel that for part of my life I merely breathed and went through the motions. Average, Not reaching.
My mother taught me to be a mom, a wife, and a homemaker. She excelled at those things. I have always had much bigger dreams. There is nothing wrong with being any of the things my mother dreamed for me if they were my dreams. I quite love being a wife now. The difference is that I threw away the blueprint for my life that was given to me or that I perceived was expected of me and designed my own. I dance to the music that only I can hear now. (Well, my husband hears it too!) Although I was ingrained with the idea that average was normal, it has never been normal for me. I had to come to a place where I challenged myself to level up so that I could begin becoming comfortable in my own skin and living my very own big life. I had to realize that my dreams are who I was meant to be! That is why they are my dreams. I am worthy of them. Not chasing them was not living. Not living erased me from photos that I was in and gave me life amnesia. .
I want to feel ALL of the things. I am committed to just being me and living my authentic truth in every moment unapologetically even if it disappoints someone else or frightens them. I went up in that hot air balloon and it was just as glorious as my soul knew that it would be. I tell people it was like going up in an elevator with no walls. Peaceful levitation.When your soul calls to you, you should run not walk in the direction of the calling. When I see pictures of that day, I see me. I remember because I was present. I. Me. It turns out I don’t have amnesia after all. I just wasn’t living my life but rather someone else’s. I remember every moment that is mine.
Until Next Time,