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  • Writer's pictureCynthia Tucker Bain - Author

Death By Spanx

As my birthday and anniversary trip approaches, I found myself in need of some clothing that I do not need to grease myself with lard (yes that thought did occur to me) to squeeze into.  Not admitting complete defeat, I decided Spanx® would lessen the blow to my ego.  It is completely my fault that last years vacation clothes are a little snug as I have overindulged in the best of New Mexico cuisine. That is neither here nor there at the moment as my trip is in less than a week.  

When Fairfield left for his business trip, I headed to store. I was in total hunt mode! 

I gathered up my finds and headed into the dressing room.  Here is where the story takes a turn.

They must have improved Spanx® over the years by adding double-sided Gorilla Tape® to the inside and forgot to send out a memo.  Here I stood with my arms up over my head and this Spanx®contraption (imagine a straight jacket) taped to my body around both of my armpits with my arms high up in the air.  Blood flow to everything below my armpits was completely cut off.  I realized I was about to die a slow miserable death in a dressing room less than completely clothed.  

I began to panic. Hyperventilate even.  I was being suffocated by Spanx®.  I wondered if I had scissors in my purse. Stranger things have been in there.  Dog poop. There was dog poop in there in a container at this very moment that I forgot to take to the vet.  I tried bending over to look into my purse.  The Spanx® just creeped up a bit and latched onto my hair to further tighten its death grip on me.  I could not even stand back up straight.  I swear these garments need to have an emergency exit demonstration.

It felt like I had been in that dressing room for hours and I knew someone would surely come knock on the door pretty soon.  “May I help you?” they would ask.  I imagined myself replying, “Yes, please call 911 and have the fire department brings the Jaws of Life®.”  I stood there imagining the whole scene playing out in vivid detail.  I decided I was not going down like that.  

I contorted my body every which way and reached deep down inside of me to locate the grit that I know that I am made of and I kicked that Spanx’s® ass!  I may have even done a celebratory dance when I was victorious in wrestling it off of my body.  I felt like a bona fide alligator wrestler! My adrenaline was flowing and I heard the theme song from “Rocky” playing in the background or maybe it was my only in my mind. 

I put my clothes back on, straightened my tresses (what remained of them), threw my pink purse over my shoulder, walked out of that dressing room tall and proud leaving no evidence of the struggle that had almost ended my life behind.

Ladies, this is a warning.  If you try on Spanx®, make sure you are armed and have the GPS locator on your phone turned on so they can find your body. I pray when they do, you will have clothes on and not look like you just tried to shove biscuits back into a can and then tape it back up with Gorilla Tape ® as would have been the scene in my dressing room.

Until Next Time,


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